tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12512871996826402122024-03-13T20:26:37.383-07:00I Fear Today I Might Be Crazybut what's newkphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-58019243395393571262009-06-02T15:52:00.001-07:002009-06-02T15:58:23.481-07:00coming back from a long awaited missionI fear I might be sick, sick of heart and soul.. not so much mind..<br /><br />I took 2 months off, because no matter what I felt for 1 of those months, it didn't matter, I couldn't crack a smile, couldn't feel my feet.. barely felt my mind. the jumbled jargon I spoke only soothed those who saw me.. I trusted what I knew was right and closed out those who didn't care..<br /><br />I was waiting for a sign of remorse and never was shown the path of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">righteousness</span>.. I found comfort in those who were miserable, and from those words, I found a light.<br /><br />my mind feels scattered, but that's normal.<br />light finds me every few days while they're mid adventure, just to see if I'm still shining with feelings of staying positive..<br /><br />I needed that.<br />it was nice to hear that I was something, something special, because I was tired of feeling worn down and delapitated.<br /><br />welcome back said the fingers to the keys<br />welcome back mind<br />I still fear, that tomorrow, I might be crazy.<br />but at least I have today.<br />welcome back.kphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-50078185793373962822009-04-02T14:43:00.000-07:002009-04-02T14:50:31.219-07:00twisted heart.I can't even seem to form words to say good bye, because I hope that I wouldn't have to send them after forming..<br /><br />I can't even write.<br /><br />I'm sorry.kphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-88443499921812366482009-03-25T15:23:00.000-07:002009-03-25T15:33:31.020-07:00pass the poison onto the next victimI don't even feel like I can write.. at least well enough to get what I need to off my chest... lets face it the same thing has been <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">plaguing</span> me with nightmares and I can't shake the dreams of the inevitable ending.<br /><br />fear has <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">a hold</span> of things and won't let go. which leaves things in a very odd placement. and I can't even help. I can't even speak because this is all wrong in some aspects.<br />I am willing to change how things are and where my position is in life to make things into what they could be, but the words can't even form, because you don't allow them.<br />I can't tell if it's because you're scared or because there is another reason.<br />I've given my all. and I feel like I'm failing. falling. feeling terrible.<br /><br />the silence you've been feeding me is killing my ear drums and I don't even know what to do about it. I don't even know to feel. because this weighs heavy on my heart of hearts and I wish I could disappear. would I even be missed, the same question I've been asking myself for years.<br /><br />I saw a light at the end of the tunnel and now you're blocking the way, you've put on a mask and I can't even begin to feel how I once did. I think my heart has given up. or maybe it's my brain. I can't tell. they're never connected anyways.<br /><br />I talk in circles and I'm not even sure if anyone can hear what I'm saying.<br />I certainly don't know where I'm going and you seem to not want to help. all I want is for things to be. be just how I remember them. but I guess my memories are faded. because they'll never be what I had. you won't let that, I can feel it. but I'm too scared.<br /><br />today, yesterday, tomorrow.. I'm sure I'll be crazy.kphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-56517398557850488512009-03-17T15:43:00.000-07:002009-03-17T15:58:17.377-07:00fight for what you believe in, just be prepared to fail.I think the world is caving in on me.. I can't keep pushing it back and fighting this fight.<br /><br />I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed, but not on your side. I woke up feeling alone, vaunerable, like nothing, nothing.. nothing.<br /><br />When trying to convay just how I felt it seemed childish. and I can't help but notice things start to pull apart, but it's not mine to keep together... so I guess I'm not suppose to care... but it's hard when you've planted a seed and started to watch it grow... it's hard not to hope for the best.. but who am I kidding, the best doesn't know how to show up.<br /><br />I feel like I'm being pushed away, or pushed out, or replaced, but how can I complain about such a thing without seeming like I care, because I'm not suppose to care. but that's too hard, because I've worn it on my sleeve and now it's getting dirty.<br /><br />I have the worst thoughts and even worse dreams, and I can't seem to make them stop, I don't know how or when or why or where, I can't seem to make things disappear.<br />I just want to live my life, go with the prepetual flow that I'm suppose to follow.. but I, for some fucking reason, for no reason at all, have to mess things up. it's an unwritten law that I cannot just see how this life will go for me... although I seem to know how it will go.. it'll end with me still trying to understand..<br /><br />I've been made happy by someone close to me, and I'm afraid to lose them because of my consistant over thinking and my worry for what can happen.<br />this is driving me crazy.<br />I know it is.<br />and I can't find the breaks.kphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-97774906628476782009-03-12T15:40:00.000-07:002009-03-12T15:51:49.681-07:00break down the walls with your destructive thoughtsI woke up late, as per usual and stumbled to the bathroom to brush my teeth from my head and as I stepped on the cold hard tile, a shiver went down my spine. confusion on my face and thoughts of horror ran through my mind.. what is this?<br /><br />it was raining in my bathroom, and it was beautiful outside. or at least I figured it would be if only I could see through walls.<br /><br />The water bubble on my ceiling finally popped.. I would stare at this spot on my ceiling while showering.. wondering if it would finally come apart... and luckily enough, for me, it did.<br /><br />the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">explanation</span> that was given to me by my landlord was probably the weirdest twisted sense of words that I would come to know.<br /><br />why is it that bad luck won't leave me alone? why does it grasp me so firm and not want to let me go? maybe no one should come near me, I'd hate for it to rub off anymore than it already has.<br /><br />the rest of today has been nothing short of dismal, with the person I want to talk to most, seemingly distant.. I'm not sure what to do, where to go, or how I got to be here. all I want is for some comfort and words that would <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">induce</span> cheering up.. but even that seems too much to ask for.. I'd hate to put anyone through what this life has been dealing to me..<br /><br />I'd like for the downward spiral to stop.<br />you're making me feel crazy<br />and I'm tried of it.kphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-82119409650058725602009-03-03T15:25:00.000-08:002009-03-03T15:43:31.381-08:00plagued by intuition only to be lost in this institutionthe rain is the only thing that seems to be currently <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">consistent</span>. Because the feelings that I'm feeling are always the same but the response to those feelings are nothing but whispers of nothing I want to hear. The forward movement that I keep trying for keeps slipping out from under me, and here I sit. in the dark. not literally, because even my <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">consistencies</span> have become <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">inconsistent</span>. what. the. fuck.<br /><br />The winds blowing, and it's time to go, time to see what's on the other side of life, and I can't figure out how to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">grasp</span> on to you, and I can't figure out how to tell you that this is where I want to be, because of how the past still haunts me... with lingering thoughts of failure. wouldn't you please just let me find comfort in you? but that doesn't make you comfortable. that doesn't make you feel anything really.<br /><br />and rationally, I'm terrified. or is that irrationally because you seem to tell me things I want to hear, or are those things I think I need to hear? I guess we'll never know, because I seem to only know one path, and it leads in a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">circular</span> motion.<br /><br />the night time has become <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">familiar</span> in the fact that I can't sleep right away. I have worries that run around, tugging at my brain stem.. that keep me from shutting down and slumbering for a period of time. I'm just trying to relax, but hearing those words aren't comforting at all. and just make for bad timing.. something I'm usually very good at.. bad timing..<br /><br />what would be considered good timing? when the clocks all strike the same hour at once? because nothing seems to line up.<br /><br />trying seems stupid, because what comes of it? nothing but nothing. and I know that's not how I really feel, because my words have said different, I just don't know how else to verbalize what you want to hear.<br /><br />and my dreams are still vivid, and my mind still wanders at all times, but maybe that's because I fear that crazy will catch up with me.kphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-21182441823817817422009-02-20T09:30:00.000-08:002009-02-20T13:12:58.476-08:00least we forget you are a martyrI wouldn't know where to begin even if you told me just to start all over. I miss a beat and every second runs past me like in some sort of foot race. I think I'm losing. but honestly, I can't remember if I entered or not...<br /><br />my dear life, where are you taking me? on which road do we roam? and what can I do to secure that the way we're traveling isn't going to end in a crash landing?<br /><br />oh fatal heart, fragile to the ways of the wind... in which way will this end? probably in tears and uncontrollable fear... but possibly <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">encased</span> in happiness... something which is barely spoken.<br /><br />as a smile creeps across the sullen face of a wondering stranger, who are you to judge how I am seen? who are you to tell me who I am and how I must feel... just a reflection in a mirror.. a fraction of what I think I know<br /><br />and what are these strategically placed words? do they even mean anything? who am I to you?<br /><br />why do I suddenly feel like today, I could be crazykphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-47227636754199710552009-02-10T12:03:00.000-08:002009-02-10T13:08:53.439-08:00your letters up, press restartI've been able to tame the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">untamable</span> and lull myself to sleep with thoughts of what the next day will bring, who knew it could be so easy... alas, it's not.<br /><br />in the midst of early morning dream walking... an overwhelming sense of dread washed over me. the perpetual sky turned black and my dream went from soothing; to a saddening twisted nightmare. Tears leaked down my animated cheeks onto the two dimensional road and I stared into a face so familiar, their words dug into me like sharp jagged shards of glass. My body convulsed <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">controllably</span>, and trickling tears turned into streams and a heavy weight settled on my chest.<br /><br />wake up.<br />please.<br />I hate this dream.<br />wake up.<br />wake up.<br /><br />I struggled to breathe and inhaled quickly.<br /><br />so this is how I'll start my day today... this will be the jumping off point in which everything will eventually go wrong..<br /><br />as much as I know that the dream, was in fact just a dream, it's become hard to shake the heavy feeling that seems to have lingered behind from the dream state I was in.<br /><br />and today feels crazy, and today feels wrong.kphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-47992165024307121162009-01-30T14:30:00.000-08:002009-01-30T15:37:08.642-08:00I blurred your vision with words of wisdomoh twisted tongue, mangled in the desperate attempt to save face in a situation that just turned out as expected.. how does one time it ever so right that they can pull themselves from walking into on coming traffic.<br /><br />my mind has a mind of it's own, if that's possible. and I believed and was let down, but who couldn't have known by the hints being dropped on the trail leading to what looked like salvation, or at least a nice place to rest for a moment.<br /><br />I'll keep up with the cryptic talking, with the trailing words that never seem to go anywhere, because I know exactly what I mean, and I, not so secretly, hope you do as well. whoever is paying attention at any given moment, take that breath and hold on while I catch mine. wait a bit longer, this could take a while.<br /><br />one step forward, slide 3 paces back, if you happen to pass go, don't say what's up to the man on the corner of Broadway and Med. because he won't remember your name, even if he can picture your face. What a sad feeling, a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">nothing less</span> name with the same old face.<br /><br />it's like a boat with no sails, missing some wood, possibly gaining water and only one working oar. you've guessed it, just keep it to yourself this time because I hate the I told you <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">so's</span> and I hate the things you think under your breath. don't worry, because I think them too.<br /><br />and I feel really uncomfortable in my own skin today, and I'm pretty sure the crazy is creeping on in.kphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-87665449388868719802009-01-19T07:18:00.000-08:002009-01-19T09:16:22.858-08:00I thought you'd save me, boy was I wrong.It's returned.<br />My non existent friend called sleep deprivation. I hope this was a one night stand because I can't possibly seem to function if this is how things are going to be for awhile. I've got things to do, friends coming to town, sleep to have.<br /><br />I wonder if they know that I've become extremely cautious with the future endeavors that keep being talked about, I'm bracing myself for a slow decline, a steady downfall.. the usual pattern that happens when heart and head don't synchronize to the right point in time.<br /><br />oh conscious heart, cautious head, please just try not to get me into the same old mess, I'm trying for the positive but you know we always end up in the negative.<br /><br />I'm tired of believing all the same old misleading words that infiltrate my thinking, and it's not any ones fault but my own. I should know by now. woven words always end in a disastrous way<br /><br />please don't tell me that I'm crazykphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-36164575862003680362009-01-14T09:19:00.000-08:002009-01-14T22:59:00.937-08:00a site for four eyesplace one foot in front of the other and keep your mind in step... breathe in and out and don't forget to remember your way... don't talk to strangers but don't be rude to those who smile out of their way.... open your heart to someone new but be shattered if you're hurt... mind your manners and be your own person in a court of the world.<div>get to work on time and be fashionably late for your life.<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>following rules seems to be a game that I can't comprehend. If I do one thing, it's the wrong thing... If I feel one way, I shortly feel like I've made a mistake within my own vessel pumping blood. however, so frustrating.</div><div><br /></div><div>I've seen the tallest crumble to the ground with nothing to break their fall.. without putting their limbs out to hold them up in the slightest and the future seems so bleak.. </div><div><br /></div><div>I've seen the ones barely strong enough to hold their own weight pick up the life of others within a single fragmented sentence...</div><div><br /></div><div>and I still feel lost, and jumbled.. </div><div>what is crazy?</div>kphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-15628348033661475042009-01-06T14:32:00.000-08:002009-01-06T15:49:49.875-08:00I lost my breath and I didn't even intend tooh, cool. A new year to feel less in and a new way to hold my breath. well, here I am, at the keyboard trying desperately to drain whats been swimming within my mind, but obviously there seems to be a clog.<br /><br />It's only been 6 days into this new year and already my community has been plagued by death. Lives shorter than mine ending because of negligence and because of a sickness without a cure.. how terribly sad.<br /><br />I've been thinking about a few people in my life that I'm terrified to lose contact with... but neither of us seem to make much effort to check on one another.. and I don't feel that it's because we don't care for on another but I more feel it's because we know the other must be doing OK.. or maybe that's just false hope... even worse maybe we possibly choke on our own words when it comes time to speak.. I find that to be more believable.<br /><br />I know that I often feel bothersome so I retract from constant communication.<br /><br />The tossing and turning has returned to my bedside, or really just in my minds eye... when it comes time to turn off my eyes and close the lights..to drift to sleep all that happens is worries, and dreads and thoughts and lengthy lists to things unsaid and needs... those are not dreams. Dear Mr. Sandman, please do your job.<br /><br />Even though you'd think with a year gone and another one starting I would feel a little more at ease, I don't seem to.. I still seem to fear that today I might be crazy.kphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-8724778941244812092008-12-30T11:21:00.000-08:002008-12-30T11:23:03.577-08:00an open letter to 20082008,<br />Well, I've known you almost a whole year now (tomorrow marking our anniversary) and I'm ready to move on. You've given me heartache, tears (both sad and happy), headaches a plenty and many many wonderful memories.<br /><br />Although I wouldn't say I hate you, I would say I'm glad to see us moving on. 2009 promises to be nothing but roses comparatively, at least that’s what I’ve already been set up for.<br /><br />I can't say that our time was all bad this year, I got to travel across the map with some of my good friends; I took many pictures, and made new friends that I’ll never forget. You also brought many happy times to those I care about most… engagements, weddings, wealth, love in all forms and probably the most important, life (continuing and starting).<br /><br />I thank you for all ups and certainly for all the downs, because without them, I wouldn’t continue to grow and learn what I can withstand and what I undoubtedly don’t want to go through again.<br /><br />In the last few months you’ve been very kind, as if you were making up for the first part of the year… I’ve got to hand it to you; the apartment was by far my favorite part. I finally feel as though I’m a grown up, or at least getting there.<br /><br />Thanks again for a year full of interesting times; I’ll try to use what I’ve learned from you to go forward into 2009 with my head firmly placed on my shoulders and my heart ready for new adventures.<br /><br />Best of luck to you, 2008,<br />Please don’t contact me again, for this is my goodbye to you.<br />-Kimberlykphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-67968606980347062842008-12-17T10:17:00.000-08:002008-12-17T10:43:56.183-08:00how can one be on the verge of breaking downjust teeter over the edge and make the plunge.<br /><br />holidays, sweet holidays.. when people become up in arms in the most endearing way. I cannot wait for this week to be over. My frustration threshold has been exceeded and all I feel like doing is throwing in the towel or at least a washcloth.<br /><br />I've found the best thing in my life is shuffling into my apartment, slipping my shoes off, curling into a blanket on the couch and drifting off to sleep in the early evening for the littlest of naps.<br /><br />my hot coco becomes cold too <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">quickly</span> and the same old saga of what would fill me up for lunch has become a problem. today I'll go with an old stand by.<br /><br />I wondering, do I need <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Internet</span> access at home? because as of right now I have to sit in the appropriate corners of them room to access my main homepage.. <a href="http://www.dailypuppy.com/">the daily puppy</a>. i just know that I find it to be ridiculous to pay so much money for something I can use at work for free.. too bad my photos can't upload on their own bandwidth once I take them. someone get on that.<br /><br />today I feel stressed and that <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">intern</span> makes me feel crazy.kphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-17751652156022679082008-12-09T07:52:00.000-08:002008-12-09T08:37:11.176-08:00slight of hand.. tricky mindmy feet keep moving yet I stay exactly where I started. Even though things keep moving up in life, it seems I can't keep from sliding backwards.<br /><br />the voids felt in my new living space are slowly being filled with newly saved pieces of wood that once were someone elses. but who can beat free? the kitchen fills fuller and my bedroom has one less box. leaving me currently with 1 1/2 boxes to go. hopefully soon enough I'll be able to live my life fully, box free.<br /><br />the holiday season has engulfed every part of my life. twinkling lights, green and red tinted everything, candy cane lanes and holiday parties are in my very future. and I don't know if you could say I'm happy about it. The stressful thoughts of what to get who or who to get what, keeps me from falling directly to sleep. The nagging notion that the money tree just might not bloom really keeps me from purchasing anything currently, hoping that I can stretch out the last few days before the deadline of dec 19th and dec 25th.<br /><br />the lonliest of seasons always seems more lonely the older you become..<br />but at least I only feel slightly abnormal, just a little crazy.kphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-33316730387492578862008-11-24T09:02:00.000-08:002008-11-24T09:26:33.368-08:00how crazy can one life feel?sorry for the lack of ranting, really it's to myself I should apologize.<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">november</span> 17<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">th</span> 2008, marks the day I finally feel like some sort of an adult, I guess by 25 this is how I am suppose to feel. with the strength of at least 4 people, my friend and I moved my life into an empty 1 bedroom in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">oakland</span>. I quickly put together bookshelves and places my life in a certain order.<br /><br />I've tried to figure out what I'm doing and where I'm going and right now, it seems I've planted my feet, for at least another year.<br /><br />with unpacking you get to learn what holes you have in your life, and what needs to be filled with trivial things.<br /><br />a week later and I'm still living out of boxes, because when I lived out of a storage unit I had to rid myself of a good dresser, so on the cold wooden floor, my shirts and skirts and unmentionables sit. waiting a new home, like the one I've found. The unusually large kitchen is waiting for a solid table to fill it's looming void.<br /><br />I'm just trying to find peace in the damnedest places.<br />and yet today, I still feel unbalanced and slightly crazy.kphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-57017910312753034212008-11-10T12:25:00.000-08:002008-11-11T14:10:33.119-08:00I'm so tired that I think I'm blindI'm upsidedown and inside out.<br /><br />searching for a home has consumed my every waking thought, even some of my not so awake thoughts.<br /><br />as soon as I laid my head on my pillow, I pulled the pale blue blanket over my body and soon jolted, proclaiming 'NO'... as I've awoken and tried to remember why I was upset and trying to defend myself in my dream, I can't recall. was it a nightmare or just thoughts that have been trying to swallow me whole? I'm hoping when I finally go to slide into my spot tonight, whatever it was, won't be there again.<br /><br />I even feel crazy in my dreams.. great.kphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-18100182895677269032008-11-07T17:44:00.000-08:002008-11-08T23:15:58.383-08:00if I slowed down anymore I fear I'd be deadas the light rain falls outside my window, and the tv blares, I try ever so hard to tune everything out.. the right thing to do would probably be turn the window off and close the tv but I can't seem to find any remotes and I think my legs are in a state of paralysis or maybe it's just my brain..<br /><br />I can't seem to get comfortable in my own skin. it's tight and itches. it's pale with colorful markings sprawled across it.. i guess I've tried to make it my own. looks like I wont be able to return it for a refund at the end of it's use.<br /><br />I over think most situations, and some say that's the good way to go but I'm pretty sure they're not in there when the over thoughts flow in and take over, so what do they really know<br /><br />I'm underwhelmed and feeling crazy.kphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-49546462295317680052008-11-05T17:12:00.000-08:002008-11-05T23:14:52.086-08:00which way is up and which way is sidewaysmy eyes don't seem to focus as well as they used to, I can't really tell what I'm trying to see.<br /><br />my days seem long and boring, dull and underwhelming. I can't seem to remember the last time, well really I just can't remember at all. my brain is working, I think, more at a sluggish pace.<br /><br />I've moved and moved and moved again with my feet shuffling underneath me at all times, trying to stand my own ground. And I feel like I don't know my own place. <br /><br />what a struggle.<br />don't forget.<br />the streets?<br /><br />I'm pretty sure I feel a little crazy, at least today.kphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-34283297351140299512008-11-04T14:52:00.000-08:002008-11-04T15:43:36.899-08:00are your hands touching the keys?I slipped out of bed this morning, and when I slipped I don't mean I literally slipped but more like stumbled. Throwing the covers off is a normal morning routine, it seems to be the only way that really forces me to get to my feet.<br /><br />as I sauntered into the office this morning with my scarf around my neck and a hoodie zipped up tight I couldn't help but think... this could possibly be the biggest day in history, as I may see it in my lifetime.<br /><br />settling in my big red chair, I place my feet on my computer tower, and yawn slightly. I sit in this position for the next few hours, eyes semi focusing on the screen and earphones hugging my ears. this has become 'work' because nothing is coming in and nothing is leaving my screen...<br /><br />I don't even know what links to click on anymore, hoping that my mind will be entertained for at least a moment... I've found the end of the internet I think.. and man is it boring.<br /><br />I feel as though I might be crazy today<br />but that could just be the clouds talkingkphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1251287199682640212.post-29434184132998410102008-11-03T23:07:00.000-08:002008-11-03T23:31:10.559-08:00the night before the world changed.... or didn'tevery night I seem to find myself laying in bed.. with my eyes closed... worrying about something else in my life. & every night while I sleep I seem to have dreams of falling and trying to hold on.<br /><br />when I awake in the morning, short of breath and blurred in vision, I find myself worrying about something new.<br /><br />how do you become someone with their head above water? how do you feel safe in the decision that you make.<br /><br />I woke up this morning after having a dream that as I sat at a red light someone shattered my window and stole my radio, I have a tape deck, so what they wanted with it, I haven't a clue... all I did was sit there, frozen in terror, eyes focused on the situation that was unfolding. and as they ripped the console from my car and smiled at me in such a way... I took a breath and sat up.<br /><br />and today, I feel like I might be crazy.kphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13291787146679624475noreply@blogger.com0