Friday, January 30, 2009

I blurred your vision with words of wisdom

oh twisted tongue, mangled in the desperate attempt to save face in a situation that just turned out as expected.. how does one time it ever so right that they can pull themselves from walking into on coming traffic.

my mind has a mind of it's own, if that's possible. and I believed and was let down, but who couldn't have known by the hints being dropped on the trail leading to what looked like salvation, or at least a nice place to rest for a moment.

I'll keep up with the cryptic talking, with the trailing words that never seem to go anywhere, because I know exactly what I mean, and I, not so secretly, hope you do as well. whoever is paying attention at any given moment, take that breath and hold on while I catch mine. wait a bit longer, this could take a while.

one step forward, slide 3 paces back, if you happen to pass go, don't say what's up to the man on the corner of Broadway and Med. because he won't remember your name, even if he can picture your face. What a sad feeling, a nothing less name with the same old face.

it's like a boat with no sails, missing some wood, possibly gaining water and only one working oar. you've guessed it, just keep it to yourself this time because I hate the I told you so's and I hate the things you think under your breath. don't worry, because I think them too.

and I feel really uncomfortable in my own skin today, and I'm pretty sure the crazy is creeping on in.

Monday, January 19, 2009

I thought you'd save me, boy was I wrong.

It's returned.
My non existent friend called sleep deprivation. I hope this was a one night stand because I can't possibly seem to function if this is how things are going to be for awhile. I've got things to do, friends coming to town, sleep to have.

I wonder if they know that I've become extremely cautious with the future endeavors that keep being talked about, I'm bracing myself for a slow decline, a steady downfall.. the usual pattern that happens when heart and head don't synchronize to the right point in time.

oh conscious heart, cautious head, please just try not to get me into the same old mess, I'm trying for the positive but you know we always end up in the negative.

I'm tired of believing all the same old misleading words that infiltrate my thinking, and it's not any ones fault but my own. I should know by now. woven words always end in a disastrous way

please don't tell me that I'm crazy

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

a site for four eyes

place one foot in front of the other and keep your mind in step... breathe in and out and don't forget to remember your way... don't talk to strangers but don't be rude to those who smile out of their way.... open your heart to someone new but be shattered if you're hurt... mind your manners and be your own person in a court of the world.
get to work on time and be fashionably late for your life.

following rules seems to be a game that I can't comprehend. If I do one thing, it's the wrong thing... If I feel one way, I shortly feel like I've made a mistake within my own vessel pumping blood. however, so frustrating.

I've seen the tallest crumble to the ground with nothing to break their fall.. without putting their limbs out to hold them up in the slightest and the future seems so bleak.. 

I've seen the ones barely strong enough to hold their own weight pick up the life of others within a single fragmented sentence...

and I still feel lost, and jumbled.. 
what is crazy?

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I lost my breath and I didn't even intend to

oh, cool. A new year to feel less in and a new way to hold my breath. well, here I am, at the keyboard trying desperately to drain whats been swimming within my mind, but obviously there seems to be a clog.

It's only been 6 days into this new year and already my community has been plagued by death. Lives shorter than mine ending because of negligence and because of a sickness without a cure.. how terribly sad.

I've been thinking about a few people in my life that I'm terrified to lose contact with... but neither of us seem to make much effort to check on one another.. and I don't feel that it's because we don't care for on another but I more feel it's because we know the other must be doing OK.. or maybe that's just false hope... even worse maybe we possibly choke on our own words when it comes time to speak.. I find that to be more believable.

I know that I often feel bothersome so I retract from constant communication.

The tossing and turning has returned to my bedside, or really just in my minds eye... when it comes time to turn off my eyes and close the drift to sleep all that happens is worries, and dreads and thoughts and lengthy lists to things unsaid and needs... those are not dreams. Dear Mr. Sandman, please do your job.

Even though you'd think with a year gone and another one starting I would feel a little more at ease, I don't seem to.. I still seem to fear that today I might be crazy.