Tuesday, June 2, 2009

coming back from a long awaited mission

I fear I might be sick, sick of heart and soul.. not so much mind..

I took 2 months off, because no matter what I felt for 1 of those months, it didn't matter, I couldn't crack a smile, couldn't feel my feet.. barely felt my mind. the jumbled jargon I spoke only soothed those who saw me.. I trusted what I knew was right and closed out those who didn't care..

I was waiting for a sign of remorse and never was shown the path of righteousness.. I found comfort in those who were miserable, and from those words, I found a light.

my mind feels scattered, but that's normal.
light finds me every few days while they're mid adventure, just to see if I'm still shining with feelings of staying positive..

I needed that.
it was nice to hear that I was something, something special, because I was tired of feeling worn down and delapitated.

welcome back said the fingers to the keys
welcome back mind
I still fear, that tomorrow, I might be crazy.
but at least I have today.
welcome back.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

twisted heart.

I can't even seem to form words to say good bye, because I hope that I wouldn't have to send them after forming..

I can't even write.

I'm sorry.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

pass the poison onto the next victim

I don't even feel like I can write.. at least well enough to get what I need to off my chest... lets face it the same thing has been plaguing me with nightmares and I can't shake the dreams of the inevitable ending.

fear has a hold of things and won't let go. which leaves things in a very odd placement. and I can't even help. I can't even speak because this is all wrong in some aspects.
I am willing to change how things are and where my position is in life to make things into what they could be, but the words can't even form, because you don't allow them.
I can't tell if it's because you're scared or because there is another reason.
I've given my all. and I feel like I'm failing. falling. feeling terrible.

the silence you've been feeding me is killing my ear drums and I don't even know what to do about it. I don't even know to feel. because this weighs heavy on my heart of hearts and I wish I could disappear. would I even be missed, the same question I've been asking myself for years.

I saw a light at the end of the tunnel and now you're blocking the way, you've put on a mask and I can't even begin to feel how I once did. I think my heart has given up. or maybe it's my brain. I can't tell. they're never connected anyways.

I talk in circles and I'm not even sure if anyone can hear what I'm saying.
I certainly don't know where I'm going and you seem to not want to help. all I want is for things to be. be just how I remember them. but I guess my memories are faded. because they'll never be what I had. you won't let that, I can feel it. but I'm too scared.

today, yesterday, tomorrow.. I'm sure I'll be crazy.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

fight for what you believe in, just be prepared to fail.

I think the world is caving in on me.. I can't keep pushing it back and fighting this fight.

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed, but not on your side. I woke up feeling alone, vaunerable, like nothing, nothing.. nothing.

When trying to convay just how I felt it seemed childish. and I can't help but notice things start to pull apart, but it's not mine to keep together... so I guess I'm not suppose to care... but it's hard when you've planted a seed and started to watch it grow... it's hard not to hope for the best.. but who am I kidding, the best doesn't know how to show up.

I feel like I'm being pushed away, or pushed out, or replaced, but how can I complain about such a thing without seeming like I care, because I'm not suppose to care. but that's too hard, because I've worn it on my sleeve and now it's getting dirty.

I have the worst thoughts and even worse dreams, and I can't seem to make them stop, I don't know how or when or why or where, I can't seem to make things disappear.
I just want to live my life, go with the prepetual flow that I'm suppose to follow.. but I, for some fucking reason, for no reason at all, have to mess things up. it's an unwritten law that I cannot just see how this life will go for me... although I seem to know how it will go.. it'll end with me still trying to understand..

I've been made happy by someone close to me, and I'm afraid to lose them because of my consistant over thinking and my worry for what can happen.
this is driving me crazy.
I know it is.
and I can't find the breaks.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

break down the walls with your destructive thoughts

I woke up late, as per usual and stumbled to the bathroom to brush my teeth from my head and as I stepped on the cold hard tile, a shiver went down my spine. confusion on my face and thoughts of horror ran through my mind.. what is this?

it was raining in my bathroom, and it was beautiful outside. or at least I figured it would be if only I could see through walls.

The water bubble on my ceiling finally popped.. I would stare at this spot on my ceiling while showering.. wondering if it would finally come apart... and luckily enough, for me, it did.

the explanation that was given to me by my landlord was probably the weirdest twisted sense of words that I would come to know.

why is it that bad luck won't leave me alone? why does it grasp me so firm and not want to let me go? maybe no one should come near me, I'd hate for it to rub off anymore than it already has.

the rest of today has been nothing short of dismal, with the person I want to talk to most, seemingly distant.. I'm not sure what to do, where to go, or how I got to be here. all I want is for some comfort and words that would induce cheering up.. but even that seems too much to ask for.. I'd hate to put anyone through what this life has been dealing to me..

I'd like for the downward spiral to stop.
you're making me feel crazy
and I'm tried of it.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

plagued by intuition only to be lost in this institution

the rain is the only thing that seems to be currently consistent. Because the feelings that I'm feeling are always the same but the response to those feelings are nothing but whispers of nothing I want to hear. The forward movement that I keep trying for keeps slipping out from under me, and here I sit. in the dark. not literally, because even my consistencies have become inconsistent. what. the. fuck.

The winds blowing, and it's time to go, time to see what's on the other side of life, and I can't figure out how to grasp on to you, and I can't figure out how to tell you that this is where I want to be, because of how the past still haunts me... with lingering thoughts of failure. wouldn't you please just let me find comfort in you? but that doesn't make you comfortable. that doesn't make you feel anything really.

and rationally, I'm terrified. or is that irrationally because you seem to tell me things I want to hear, or are those things I think I need to hear? I guess we'll never know, because I seem to only know one path, and it leads in a circular motion.

the night time has become familiar in the fact that I can't sleep right away. I have worries that run around, tugging at my brain stem.. that keep me from shutting down and slumbering for a period of time. I'm just trying to relax, but hearing those words aren't comforting at all. and just make for bad timing.. something I'm usually very good at.. bad timing..

what would be considered good timing? when the clocks all strike the same hour at once? because nothing seems to line up.

trying seems stupid, because what comes of it? nothing but nothing. and I know that's not how I really feel, because my words have said different, I just don't know how else to verbalize what you want to hear.

and my dreams are still vivid, and my mind still wanders at all times, but maybe that's because I fear that crazy will catch up with me.

Friday, February 20, 2009

least we forget you are a martyr

I wouldn't know where to begin even if you told me just to start all over. I miss a beat and every second runs past me like in some sort of foot race. I think I'm losing. but honestly, I can't remember if I entered or not...

my dear life, where are you taking me? on which road do we roam? and what can I do to secure that the way we're traveling isn't going to end in a crash landing?

oh fatal heart, fragile to the ways of the wind... in which way will this end? probably in tears and uncontrollable fear... but possibly encased in happiness... something which is barely spoken.

as a smile creeps across the sullen face of a wondering stranger, who are you to judge how I am seen? who are you to tell me who I am and how I must feel... just a reflection in a mirror.. a fraction of what I think I know

and what are these strategically placed words? do they even mean anything? who am I to you?

why do I suddenly feel like today, I could be crazy

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

your letters up, press restart

I've been able to tame the untamable and lull myself to sleep with thoughts of what the next day will bring, who knew it could be so easy... alas, it's not.

in the midst of early morning dream walking... an overwhelming sense of dread washed over me. the perpetual sky turned black and my dream went from soothing; to a saddening twisted nightmare. Tears leaked down my animated cheeks onto the two dimensional road and I stared into a face so familiar, their words dug into me like sharp jagged shards of glass. My body convulsed controllably, and trickling tears turned into streams and a heavy weight settled on my chest.

wake up.
I hate this dream.
wake up.
wake up.

I struggled to breathe and inhaled quickly.

so this is how I'll start my day today... this will be the jumping off point in which everything will eventually go wrong..

as much as I know that the dream, was in fact just a dream, it's become hard to shake the heavy feeling that seems to have lingered behind from the dream state I was in.

and today feels crazy, and today feels wrong.

Friday, January 30, 2009

I blurred your vision with words of wisdom

oh twisted tongue, mangled in the desperate attempt to save face in a situation that just turned out as expected.. how does one time it ever so right that they can pull themselves from walking into on coming traffic.

my mind has a mind of it's own, if that's possible. and I believed and was let down, but who couldn't have known by the hints being dropped on the trail leading to what looked like salvation, or at least a nice place to rest for a moment.

I'll keep up with the cryptic talking, with the trailing words that never seem to go anywhere, because I know exactly what I mean, and I, not so secretly, hope you do as well. whoever is paying attention at any given moment, take that breath and hold on while I catch mine. wait a bit longer, this could take a while.

one step forward, slide 3 paces back, if you happen to pass go, don't say what's up to the man on the corner of Broadway and Med. because he won't remember your name, even if he can picture your face. What a sad feeling, a nothing less name with the same old face.

it's like a boat with no sails, missing some wood, possibly gaining water and only one working oar. you've guessed it, just keep it to yourself this time because I hate the I told you so's and I hate the things you think under your breath. don't worry, because I think them too.

and I feel really uncomfortable in my own skin today, and I'm pretty sure the crazy is creeping on in.

Monday, January 19, 2009

I thought you'd save me, boy was I wrong.

It's returned.
My non existent friend called sleep deprivation. I hope this was a one night stand because I can't possibly seem to function if this is how things are going to be for awhile. I've got things to do, friends coming to town, sleep to have.

I wonder if they know that I've become extremely cautious with the future endeavors that keep being talked about, I'm bracing myself for a slow decline, a steady downfall.. the usual pattern that happens when heart and head don't synchronize to the right point in time.

oh conscious heart, cautious head, please just try not to get me into the same old mess, I'm trying for the positive but you know we always end up in the negative.

I'm tired of believing all the same old misleading words that infiltrate my thinking, and it's not any ones fault but my own. I should know by now. woven words always end in a disastrous way

please don't tell me that I'm crazy

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

a site for four eyes

place one foot in front of the other and keep your mind in step... breathe in and out and don't forget to remember your way... don't talk to strangers but don't be rude to those who smile out of their way.... open your heart to someone new but be shattered if you're hurt... mind your manners and be your own person in a court of the world.
get to work on time and be fashionably late for your life.

following rules seems to be a game that I can't comprehend. If I do one thing, it's the wrong thing... If I feel one way, I shortly feel like I've made a mistake within my own vessel pumping blood. however, so frustrating.

I've seen the tallest crumble to the ground with nothing to break their fall.. without putting their limbs out to hold them up in the slightest and the future seems so bleak.. 

I've seen the ones barely strong enough to hold their own weight pick up the life of others within a single fragmented sentence...

and I still feel lost, and jumbled.. 
what is crazy?

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I lost my breath and I didn't even intend to

oh, cool. A new year to feel less in and a new way to hold my breath. well, here I am, at the keyboard trying desperately to drain whats been swimming within my mind, but obviously there seems to be a clog.

It's only been 6 days into this new year and already my community has been plagued by death. Lives shorter than mine ending because of negligence and because of a sickness without a cure.. how terribly sad.

I've been thinking about a few people in my life that I'm terrified to lose contact with... but neither of us seem to make much effort to check on one another.. and I don't feel that it's because we don't care for on another but I more feel it's because we know the other must be doing OK.. or maybe that's just false hope... even worse maybe we possibly choke on our own words when it comes time to speak.. I find that to be more believable.

I know that I often feel bothersome so I retract from constant communication.

The tossing and turning has returned to my bedside, or really just in my minds eye... when it comes time to turn off my eyes and close the lights..to drift to sleep all that happens is worries, and dreads and thoughts and lengthy lists to things unsaid and needs... those are not dreams. Dear Mr. Sandman, please do your job.

Even though you'd think with a year gone and another one starting I would feel a little more at ease, I don't seem to.. I still seem to fear that today I might be crazy.