Tuesday, December 30, 2008

an open letter to 2008

Well, I've known you almost a whole year now (tomorrow marking our anniversary) and I'm ready to move on. You've given me heartache, tears (both sad and happy), headaches a plenty and many many wonderful memories.

Although I wouldn't say I hate you, I would say I'm glad to see us moving on. 2009 promises to be nothing but roses comparatively, at least that’s what I’ve already been set up for.

I can't say that our time was all bad this year, I got to travel across the map with some of my good friends; I took many pictures, and made new friends that I’ll never forget. You also brought many happy times to those I care about most… engagements, weddings, wealth, love in all forms and probably the most important, life (continuing and starting).

I thank you for all ups and certainly for all the downs, because without them, I wouldn’t continue to grow and learn what I can withstand and what I undoubtedly don’t want to go through again.

In the last few months you’ve been very kind, as if you were making up for the first part of the year… I’ve got to hand it to you; the apartment was by far my favorite part. I finally feel as though I’m a grown up, or at least getting there.

Thanks again for a year full of interesting times; I’ll try to use what I’ve learned from you to go forward into 2009 with my head firmly placed on my shoulders and my heart ready for new adventures.

Best of luck to you, 2008,
Please don’t contact me again, for this is my goodbye to you.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

how can one be on the verge of breaking down

just teeter over the edge and make the plunge.

holidays, sweet holidays.. when people become up in arms in the most endearing way. I cannot wait for this week to be over. My frustration threshold has been exceeded and all I feel like doing is throwing in the towel or at least a washcloth.

I've found the best thing in my life is shuffling into my apartment, slipping my shoes off, curling into a blanket on the couch and drifting off to sleep in the early evening for the littlest of naps.

my hot coco becomes cold too quickly and the same old saga of what would fill me up for lunch has become a problem. today I'll go with an old stand by.

I wondering, do I need Internet access at home? because as of right now I have to sit in the appropriate corners of them room to access my main homepage.. the daily puppy. i just know that I find it to be ridiculous to pay so much money for something I can use at work for free.. too bad my photos can't upload on their own bandwidth once I take them. someone get on that.

today I feel stressed and that intern makes me feel crazy.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

slight of hand.. tricky mind

my feet keep moving yet I stay exactly where I started. Even though things keep moving up in life, it seems I can't keep from sliding backwards.

the voids felt in my new living space are slowly being filled with newly saved pieces of wood that once were someone elses. but who can beat free? the kitchen fills fuller and my bedroom has one less box. leaving me currently with 1 1/2 boxes to go. hopefully soon enough I'll be able to live my life fully, box free.

the holiday season has engulfed every part of my life. twinkling lights, green and red tinted everything, candy cane lanes and holiday parties are in my very future. and I don't know if you could say I'm happy about it. The stressful thoughts of what to get who or who to get what, keeps me from falling directly to sleep. The nagging notion that the money tree just might not bloom really keeps me from purchasing anything currently, hoping that I can stretch out the last few days before the deadline of dec 19th and dec 25th.

the lonliest of seasons always seems more lonely the older you become..
but at least I only feel slightly abnormal, just a little crazy.

Monday, November 24, 2008

how crazy can one life feel?

sorry for the lack of ranting, really it's to myself I should apologize.

november 17th 2008, marks the day I finally feel like some sort of an adult, I guess by 25 this is how I am suppose to feel. with the strength of at least 4 people, my friend and I moved my life into an empty 1 bedroom in oakland. I quickly put together bookshelves and places my life in a certain order.

I've tried to figure out what I'm doing and where I'm going and right now, it seems I've planted my feet, for at least another year.

with unpacking you get to learn what holes you have in your life, and what needs to be filled with trivial things.

a week later and I'm still living out of boxes, because when I lived out of a storage unit I had to rid myself of a good dresser, so on the cold wooden floor, my shirts and skirts and unmentionables sit. waiting a new home, like the one I've found. The unusually large kitchen is waiting for a solid table to fill it's looming void.

I'm just trying to find peace in the damnedest places.
and yet today, I still feel unbalanced and slightly crazy.

Monday, November 10, 2008

I'm so tired that I think I'm blind

I'm upsidedown and inside out.

searching for a home has consumed my every waking thought, even some of my not so awake thoughts.

as soon as I laid my head on my pillow, I pulled the pale blue blanket over my body and soon jolted, proclaiming 'NO'... as I've awoken and tried to remember why I was upset and trying to defend myself in my dream, I can't recall. was it a nightmare or just thoughts that have been trying to swallow me whole? I'm hoping when I finally go to slide into my spot tonight, whatever it was, won't be there again.

I even feel crazy in my dreams.. great.

Friday, November 7, 2008

if I slowed down anymore I fear I'd be dead

as the light rain falls outside my window, and the tv blares, I try ever so hard to tune everything out.. the right thing to do would probably be turn the window off and close the tv but I can't seem to find any remotes and I think my legs are in a state of paralysis or maybe it's just my brain..

I can't seem to get comfortable in my own skin. it's tight and itches. it's pale with colorful markings sprawled across it.. i guess I've tried to make it my own. looks like I wont be able to return it for a refund at the end of it's use.

I over think most situations, and some say that's the good way to go but I'm pretty sure they're not in there when the over thoughts flow in and take over, so what do they really know

I'm underwhelmed and feeling crazy.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

which way is up and which way is sideways

my eyes don't seem to focus as well as they used to, I can't really tell what I'm trying to see.

my days seem long and boring, dull and underwhelming. I can't seem to remember the last time, well really I just can't remember at all. my brain is working, I think, more at a sluggish pace.

I've moved and moved and moved again with my feet shuffling underneath me at all times, trying to stand my own ground. And I feel like I don't know my own place.

what a struggle.
don't forget.
the streets?

I'm pretty sure I feel a little crazy, at least today.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

are your hands touching the keys?

I slipped out of bed this morning, and when I slipped I don't mean I literally slipped but more like stumbled. Throwing the covers off is a normal morning routine, it seems to be the only way that really forces me to get to my feet.

as I sauntered into the office this morning with my scarf around my neck and a hoodie zipped up tight I couldn't help but think... this could possibly be the biggest day in history, as I may see it in my lifetime.

settling in my big red chair, I place my feet on my computer tower, and yawn slightly. I sit in this position for the next few hours, eyes semi focusing on the screen and earphones hugging my ears. this has become 'work' because nothing is coming in and nothing is leaving my screen...

I don't even know what links to click on anymore, hoping that my mind will be entertained for at least a moment... I've found the end of the internet I think.. and man is it boring.

I feel as though I might be crazy today
but that could just be the clouds talking

Monday, November 3, 2008

the night before the world changed.... or didn't

every night I seem to find myself laying in bed.. with my eyes closed... worrying about something else in my life. & every night while I sleep I seem to have dreams of falling and trying to hold on.

when I awake in the morning, short of breath and blurred in vision, I find myself worrying about something new.

how do you become someone with their head above water? how do you feel safe in the decision that you make.

I woke up this morning after having a dream that as I sat at a red light someone shattered my window and stole my radio, I have a tape deck, so what they wanted with it, I haven't a clue... all I did was sit there, frozen in terror, eyes focused on the situation that was unfolding. and as they ripped the console from my car and smiled at me in such a way... I took a breath and sat up.

and today, I feel like I might be crazy.