Tuesday, June 2, 2009

coming back from a long awaited mission

I fear I might be sick, sick of heart and soul.. not so much mind..

I took 2 months off, because no matter what I felt for 1 of those months, it didn't matter, I couldn't crack a smile, couldn't feel my feet.. barely felt my mind. the jumbled jargon I spoke only soothed those who saw me.. I trusted what I knew was right and closed out those who didn't care..

I was waiting for a sign of remorse and never was shown the path of righteousness.. I found comfort in those who were miserable, and from those words, I found a light.

my mind feels scattered, but that's normal.
light finds me every few days while they're mid adventure, just to see if I'm still shining with feelings of staying positive..

I needed that.
it was nice to hear that I was something, something special, because I was tired of feeling worn down and delapitated.

welcome back said the fingers to the keys
welcome back mind
I still fear, that tomorrow, I might be crazy.
but at least I have today.
welcome back.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

twisted heart.

I can't even seem to form words to say good bye, because I hope that I wouldn't have to send them after forming..

I can't even write.

I'm sorry.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

pass the poison onto the next victim

I don't even feel like I can write.. at least well enough to get what I need to off my chest... lets face it the same thing has been plaguing me with nightmares and I can't shake the dreams of the inevitable ending.

fear has a hold of things and won't let go. which leaves things in a very odd placement. and I can't even help. I can't even speak because this is all wrong in some aspects.
I am willing to change how things are and where my position is in life to make things into what they could be, but the words can't even form, because you don't allow them.
I can't tell if it's because you're scared or because there is another reason.
I've given my all. and I feel like I'm failing. falling. feeling terrible.

the silence you've been feeding me is killing my ear drums and I don't even know what to do about it. I don't even know to feel. because this weighs heavy on my heart of hearts and I wish I could disappear. would I even be missed, the same question I've been asking myself for years.

I saw a light at the end of the tunnel and now you're blocking the way, you've put on a mask and I can't even begin to feel how I once did. I think my heart has given up. or maybe it's my brain. I can't tell. they're never connected anyways.

I talk in circles and I'm not even sure if anyone can hear what I'm saying.
I certainly don't know where I'm going and you seem to not want to help. all I want is for things to be. be just how I remember them. but I guess my memories are faded. because they'll never be what I had. you won't let that, I can feel it. but I'm too scared.

today, yesterday, tomorrow.. I'm sure I'll be crazy.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

fight for what you believe in, just be prepared to fail.

I think the world is caving in on me.. I can't keep pushing it back and fighting this fight.

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed, but not on your side. I woke up feeling alone, vaunerable, like nothing, nothing.. nothing.

When trying to convay just how I felt it seemed childish. and I can't help but notice things start to pull apart, but it's not mine to keep together... so I guess I'm not suppose to care... but it's hard when you've planted a seed and started to watch it grow... it's hard not to hope for the best.. but who am I kidding, the best doesn't know how to show up.

I feel like I'm being pushed away, or pushed out, or replaced, but how can I complain about such a thing without seeming like I care, because I'm not suppose to care. but that's too hard, because I've worn it on my sleeve and now it's getting dirty.

I have the worst thoughts and even worse dreams, and I can't seem to make them stop, I don't know how or when or why or where, I can't seem to make things disappear.
I just want to live my life, go with the prepetual flow that I'm suppose to follow.. but I, for some fucking reason, for no reason at all, have to mess things up. it's an unwritten law that I cannot just see how this life will go for me... although I seem to know how it will go.. it'll end with me still trying to understand..

I've been made happy by someone close to me, and I'm afraid to lose them because of my consistant over thinking and my worry for what can happen.
this is driving me crazy.
I know it is.
and I can't find the breaks.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

break down the walls with your destructive thoughts

I woke up late, as per usual and stumbled to the bathroom to brush my teeth from my head and as I stepped on the cold hard tile, a shiver went down my spine. confusion on my face and thoughts of horror ran through my mind.. what is this?

it was raining in my bathroom, and it was beautiful outside. or at least I figured it would be if only I could see through walls.

The water bubble on my ceiling finally popped.. I would stare at this spot on my ceiling while showering.. wondering if it would finally come apart... and luckily enough, for me, it did.

the explanation that was given to me by my landlord was probably the weirdest twisted sense of words that I would come to know.

why is it that bad luck won't leave me alone? why does it grasp me so firm and not want to let me go? maybe no one should come near me, I'd hate for it to rub off anymore than it already has.

the rest of today has been nothing short of dismal, with the person I want to talk to most, seemingly distant.. I'm not sure what to do, where to go, or how I got to be here. all I want is for some comfort and words that would induce cheering up.. but even that seems too much to ask for.. I'd hate to put anyone through what this life has been dealing to me..

I'd like for the downward spiral to stop.
you're making me feel crazy
and I'm tried of it.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

plagued by intuition only to be lost in this institution

the rain is the only thing that seems to be currently consistent. Because the feelings that I'm feeling are always the same but the response to those feelings are nothing but whispers of nothing I want to hear. The forward movement that I keep trying for keeps slipping out from under me, and here I sit. in the dark. not literally, because even my consistencies have become inconsistent. what. the. fuck.

The winds blowing, and it's time to go, time to see what's on the other side of life, and I can't figure out how to grasp on to you, and I can't figure out how to tell you that this is where I want to be, because of how the past still haunts me... with lingering thoughts of failure. wouldn't you please just let me find comfort in you? but that doesn't make you comfortable. that doesn't make you feel anything really.

and rationally, I'm terrified. or is that irrationally because you seem to tell me things I want to hear, or are those things I think I need to hear? I guess we'll never know, because I seem to only know one path, and it leads in a circular motion.

the night time has become familiar in the fact that I can't sleep right away. I have worries that run around, tugging at my brain stem.. that keep me from shutting down and slumbering for a period of time. I'm just trying to relax, but hearing those words aren't comforting at all. and just make for bad timing.. something I'm usually very good at.. bad timing..

what would be considered good timing? when the clocks all strike the same hour at once? because nothing seems to line up.

trying seems stupid, because what comes of it? nothing but nothing. and I know that's not how I really feel, because my words have said different, I just don't know how else to verbalize what you want to hear.

and my dreams are still vivid, and my mind still wanders at all times, but maybe that's because I fear that crazy will catch up with me.

Friday, February 20, 2009

least we forget you are a martyr

I wouldn't know where to begin even if you told me just to start all over. I miss a beat and every second runs past me like in some sort of foot race. I think I'm losing. but honestly, I can't remember if I entered or not...

my dear life, where are you taking me? on which road do we roam? and what can I do to secure that the way we're traveling isn't going to end in a crash landing?

oh fatal heart, fragile to the ways of the wind... in which way will this end? probably in tears and uncontrollable fear... but possibly encased in happiness... something which is barely spoken.

as a smile creeps across the sullen face of a wondering stranger, who are you to judge how I am seen? who are you to tell me who I am and how I must feel... just a reflection in a mirror.. a fraction of what I think I know

and what are these strategically placed words? do they even mean anything? who am I to you?

why do I suddenly feel like today, I could be crazy