Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I lost my breath and I didn't even intend to

oh, cool. A new year to feel less in and a new way to hold my breath. well, here I am, at the keyboard trying desperately to drain whats been swimming within my mind, but obviously there seems to be a clog.

It's only been 6 days into this new year and already my community has been plagued by death. Lives shorter than mine ending because of negligence and because of a sickness without a cure.. how terribly sad.

I've been thinking about a few people in my life that I'm terrified to lose contact with... but neither of us seem to make much effort to check on one another.. and I don't feel that it's because we don't care for on another but I more feel it's because we know the other must be doing OK.. or maybe that's just false hope... even worse maybe we possibly choke on our own words when it comes time to speak.. I find that to be more believable.

I know that I often feel bothersome so I retract from constant communication.

The tossing and turning has returned to my bedside, or really just in my minds eye... when it comes time to turn off my eyes and close the lights..to drift to sleep all that happens is worries, and dreads and thoughts and lengthy lists to things unsaid and needs... those are not dreams. Dear Mr. Sandman, please do your job.

Even though you'd think with a year gone and another one starting I would feel a little more at ease, I don't seem to.. I still seem to fear that today I might be crazy.

1 comment:

jeanne caldwell said...

I suffer the same sleeplessness. Tired and yawning..... helplessly tired, but as soon as I hit the sheets..... my brain just keeps ticking along... insomnia....why can't we shut it off? It's been many years for me. I have meds now... but as you can see this evening, the medication just didn't cut it. Tomorrow is a big day for me... leave work, go to chemo... home to try and rest... off to work again the next day. I wish you sleep!!!!! Rest!!!!! Peace of mind!!!!! a comfortable heart that rests softly between the warm and toasy covers!!!