Tuesday, March 3, 2009

plagued by intuition only to be lost in this institution

the rain is the only thing that seems to be currently consistent. Because the feelings that I'm feeling are always the same but the response to those feelings are nothing but whispers of nothing I want to hear. The forward movement that I keep trying for keeps slipping out from under me, and here I sit. in the dark. not literally, because even my consistencies have become inconsistent. what. the. fuck.

The winds blowing, and it's time to go, time to see what's on the other side of life, and I can't figure out how to grasp on to you, and I can't figure out how to tell you that this is where I want to be, because of how the past still haunts me... with lingering thoughts of failure. wouldn't you please just let me find comfort in you? but that doesn't make you comfortable. that doesn't make you feel anything really.

and rationally, I'm terrified. or is that irrationally because you seem to tell me things I want to hear, or are those things I think I need to hear? I guess we'll never know, because I seem to only know one path, and it leads in a circular motion.

the night time has become familiar in the fact that I can't sleep right away. I have worries that run around, tugging at my brain stem.. that keep me from shutting down and slumbering for a period of time. I'm just trying to relax, but hearing those words aren't comforting at all. and just make for bad timing.. something I'm usually very good at.. bad timing..

what would be considered good timing? when the clocks all strike the same hour at once? because nothing seems to line up.

trying seems stupid, because what comes of it? nothing but nothing. and I know that's not how I really feel, because my words have said different, I just don't know how else to verbalize what you want to hear.

and my dreams are still vivid, and my mind still wanders at all times, but maybe that's because I fear that crazy will catch up with me.

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