I blurred your vision with words of wisdom

oh twisted tongue, mangled in the desperate attempt to save face in a situation that just turned out as expected.. how does one time it ever so right that they can pull themselves from walking into on coming traffic.

my mind has a mind of it's own, if that's possible. and I believed and was let down, but who couldn't have known by the hints being dropped on the trail leading to what looked like salvation, or at least a nice place to rest for a moment.

I'll keep up with the cryptic talking, with the trailing words that never seem to go anywhere, because I know exactly what I mean, and I, not so secretly, hope you do as well. whoever is paying attention at any given moment, take that breath and hold on while I catch mine. wait a bit longer, this could take a while.

one step forward, slide 3 paces back, if you happen to pass go, don't say what's up to the man on the corner of Broadway and Med. because he won't remember your name, even if he can picture your face. What a sad feeling, a nothing less name with the same old face.

it's like a boat with no sails, missing some wood, possibly gaining water and only one working oar. you've guessed it, just keep it to yourself this time because I hate the I told you so's and I hate the things you think under your breath. don't worry, because I think them too.

and I feel really uncomfortable in my own skin today, and I'm pretty sure the crazy is creeping on in.

I thought you'd save me, boy was I wrong.

It's returned.
My non existent friend called sleep deprivation. I hope this was a one night stand because I can't possibly seem to function if this is how things are going to be for awhile. I've got things to do, friends coming to town, sleep to have.

I wonder if they know that I've become extremely cautious with the future endeavors that keep being talked about, I'm bracing myself for a slow decline, a steady downfall.. the usual pattern that happens when heart and head don't synchronize to the right point in time.

oh conscious heart, cautious head, please just try not to get me into the same old mess, I'm trying for the positive but you know we always end up in the negative.

I'm tired of believing all the same old misleading words that infiltrate my thinking, and it's not any ones fault but my own. I should know by now. woven words always end in a disastrous way

please don't tell me that I'm crazy

a site for four eyes

place one foot in front of the other and keep your mind in step... breathe in and out and don't forget to remember your way... don't talk to strangers but don't be rude to those who smile out of their way.... open your heart to someone new but be shattered if you're hurt... mind your manners and be your own person in a court of the world.

get to work on time and be fashionably late for your life.

following rules seems to be a game that I can't comprehend. If I do one thing, it's the wrong thing... If I feel one way, I shortly feel like I've made a mistake within my own vessel pumping blood. however, so frustrating.

I've seen the tallest crumble to the ground with nothing to break their fall.. without putting their limbs out to hold them up in the slightest and the future seems so bleak.. 

I've seen the ones barely strong enough to hold their own weight pick up the life of others within a single fragmented sentence...

and I still feel lost, and jumbled.. 

what is crazy?

I lost my breath and I didn't even intend to

oh, cool. A new year to feel less in and a new way to hold my breath. well, here I am, at the keyboard trying desperately to drain whats been swimming within my mind, but obviously there seems to be a clog.

It's only been 6 days into this new year and already my community has been plagued by death. Lives shorter than mine ending because of negligence and because of a sickness without a cure.. how terribly sad.

I've been thinking about a few people in my life that I'm terrified to lose contact with... but neither of us seem to make much effort to check on one another.. and I don't feel that it's because we don't care for on another but I more feel it's because we know the other must be doing OK.. or maybe that's just false hope... even worse maybe we possibly choke on our own words when it comes time to speak.. I find that to be more believable.

I know that I often feel bothersome so I retract from constant communication.

The tossing and turning has returned to my bedside, or really just in my minds eye... when it comes time to turn off my eyes and close the lights..to drift to sleep all that happens is worries, and dreads and thoughts and lengthy lists to things unsaid and needs... those are not dreams. Dear Mr. Sandman, please do your job.

Even though you'd think with a year gone and another one starting I would feel a little more at ease, I don't seem to.. I still seem to fear that today I might be crazy.

an open letter to 2008

2008,
Well, I've known you almost a whole year now (tomorrow marking our anniversary) and I'm ready to move on. You've given me heartache, tears (both sad and happy), headaches a plenty and many many wonderful memories.

Although I wouldn't say I hate you, I would say I'm glad to see us moving on. 2009 promises to be nothing but roses comparatively, at least that’s what I’ve already been set up for.

I can't say that our time was all bad this year, I got to travel across the map with some of my good friends; I took many pictures, and made new friends that I’ll never forget. You also brought many happy times to those I care about most… engagements, weddings, wealth, love in all forms and probably the most important, life (continuing and starting).

I thank you for all ups and certainly for all the downs, because without them, I wouldn’t continue to grow and learn what I can withstand and what I undoubtedly don’t want to go through again.

In the last few months you’ve been very kind, as if you were making up for the first part of the year… I’ve got to hand it to you; the apartment was by far my favorite part. I finally feel as though I’m a grown up, or at least getting there.

Thanks again for a year full of interesting times; I’ll try to use what I’ve learned from you to go forward into 2009 with my head firmly placed on my shoulders and my heart ready for new adventures.

Best of luck to you, 2008,
Please don’t contact me again, for this is my goodbye to you.
-Kimberly

how can one be on the verge of breaking down

just teeter over the edge and make the plunge.

holidays, sweet holidays.. when people become up in arms in the most endearing way. I cannot wait for this week to be over. My frustration threshold has been exceeded and all I feel like doing is throwing in the towel or at least a washcloth.

I've found the best thing in my life is shuffling into my apartment, slipping my shoes off, curling into a blanket on the couch and drifting off to sleep in the early evening for the littlest of naps.

my hot coco becomes cold too quickly and the same old saga of what would fill me up for lunch has become a problem. today I'll go with an old stand by.

I wondering, do I need Internet access at home? because as of right now I have to sit in the appropriate corners of them room to access my main homepage.. the daily puppy. i just know that I find it to be ridiculous to pay so much money for something I can use at work for free.. too bad my photos can't upload on their own bandwidth once I take them. someone get on that.

today I feel stressed and that intern makes me feel crazy.

slight of hand.. tricky mind

my feet keep moving yet I stay exactly where I started. Even though things keep moving up in life, it seems I can't keep from sliding backwards.

the voids felt in my new living space are slowly being filled with newly saved pieces of wood that once were someone elses. but who can beat free? the kitchen fills fuller and my bedroom has one less box. leaving me currently with 1 1/2 boxes to go. hopefully soon enough I'll be able to live my life fully, box free.

the holiday season has engulfed every part of my life. twinkling lights, green and red tinted everything, candy cane lanes and holiday parties are in my very future. and I don't know if you could say I'm happy about it. The stressful thoughts of what to get who or who to get what, keeps me from falling directly to sleep. The nagging notion that the money tree just might not bloom really keeps me from purchasing anything currently, hoping that I can stretch out the last few days before the deadline of dec 19th and dec 25th.

the lonliest of seasons always seems more lonely the older you become..
but at least I only feel slightly abnormal, just a little crazy.